Author: cgul(weeeeeeee)
Release date: unknown

This is the WEEKLY UPDATE vol. 9
(WUUT = Weekly Update for Unreal Tournament. A review of the top stories from the past week in the world of UT that really matter to you!)

* Due to last week's pathetic issue, we have sacked the entire editorial department and replaced them with computerized clones of the previously employed "bags of mostly water!" We hope with the new machinces in place we can get the kwality of this paper up to the previous gutter scraping level at which is was floating before.

* TOP STORY: NO NOOBEATER PICTURES THIS WEEK! We have sent a reporter down to see the noobeater that cgul found.
Hello my name is Crygera and I am reporting to you about the noobeater that has been scaring the pants of the noobs and bothering the veterans a little. Well I snuck down there to the location where cgul said he saw the beast. I was amazed to see this creature sitting at a table having a tea and some bisquits with this creature which we are trying to figure out but as you can tell from the picture it is definitely evil. Before we could get a picture of the noobeater it took off, ate two of my support staff and then raced off into the darkness. We got out of there and but just by the skin of our teeth.

* The FOOD, AMMO n' BABY Supplies STORE: Store is almost done and we have ourselves a great new addtion to the staff. Hypersipher has applied for the janitorial job, dishwashing job, cooking, and diaper changing job. We will be including his resume in the interview with famous UT player's section as zaphod has been sent to greece for a relaxing holiday and to see the birth place of Ares. Hypersipher has been given his apron and broom and has jumped right into the fray and has started helping to finish building the store. We have shipped the jeep to hypersipher and are looking for the final bank withdrawl to pay him double salary. If there are any math majors out there we are trying to figure out the amount that we need to withdraw. Please send us the answer:

"One half of Hyper's salary was put on a train leaving california at 6pm travelling at 56.8 km/h. The other half of his salary is on another train leaving new york at 6:30pm and travelling at 98.7 km/h. If the mass of the first train is 1.56 times that of the second train and you neglect gravity in the equation and all items are at standard temperature and pressure. What is the mass of Hyper's salary and how much is it worth in canadian dollars given todays gold exchange rate?" thank you...

--zaphod is on holiday in greece

name: hyper
place: yo momma's house
languages spoken: l33t

skills and qualifishunz:

learn to hold mouse
beat others at UT
play full version UT
install windows ME after UT crashes
tweaking UT
dreaming about UT
listening to UT music
beating up people who don't like UT
clan graffitti in downtown

wash dishes at expensive restaurants
cpr .... hehehe
wash more dishes
can't pay for food, mop floor to avoid arrest
work illegally in europe to make enough money to get back to canada

extra curricular:
i am a sexy blonde female with baby blue eyes
i liek takeing pikhtures
i talk to boy friend on phone
i can boil eggs
i can cook kraft dinner

* Needed, one alchemist to change lead into gold.

UPDATES From LAST WEEK's Newsletter

* Last week's newsletter was crap! This is the t.p. that will wipe it away.


* Several planets are assembling toward a rare alignment later this month, when five of them will crowd into a patch of sky small enough that all will be visible in a single glance. The setup will provide a planet-watching opportunity that won't be repeated for a century. [read this excerpt and more at the http://www.space.com/scienceastronomy/solarsystem/planets_align_020402-1.html site.]

That is all for this week.

(back issues available for a small fee, very small, insignificantly small, so small you would barely even notice.)

Submissions for the WEEKLY UPDATE maybe sent somewhere.
*** Disclaimer, most, if not all of this is a complete fabrication of a very strange mind, and now, possibly even more.