Author: cgul(weeeeeeee)
Release date: unknown

This is the WEEKLY UPDATE vol. 6
(WUUT = Weekly Update for Unreal Tournament. A review of the top stories from the past week in the world of UT that matter to you!)

* TOP STORY: NOOBEATER FOR REAL? In this breaking story one of our reporters saw Zaphod shooting down into the abyss between the towers so he came over for a closer look. Suddenly Zaphod exclaimed "got him" and that was it. Our reporter pulled out his camera for a look but couldn't grab it in time, as this picture shows http://homepage.mac.com/seigel/creature1.jpg We here at WUUT have had enough of this tabloid type story and are going to be putting together a team of researchers and defenders to go down there and check this out. If you are brave enough to join this expedition, please contact cgul at the WUUT. In the meantime, please hug a noob if they look scared.

* NEW SERVER, NEW HOPE: Doctors have recently reported a rash of finger pointing at the REH servers. It is a common psychological disorder called aimbot sillyness syndrome, or ASS for short, which affects people who think that there is some loophole or "elite club" that the top players take advantage of to get an aimbot into the server and destroy other players. How else could they be so good? This epidemic has been causing a lot of strife on the servers and reportedly causes some people to try and sneak their own aimbot in, to no avail.
RockHard, Worlord, and the makers of Vallium, have teamed up to set up the Betty Fijord AA (Aimbotter Anonymous) Clinic server where those people suffering this terrible affliction can go and get the help that they need. This clinic is staffed by caring well trained individuals that will help those in need deal with their problem in a 12.87 step program. Anyone who has ever used or is using an aimbot device, OR has found themselves 'pointing the finger' at someone thinking they are using an aimbot device is asked to contact Rockhard directly for the address to this server. Use of this server is free for those who need it. Currently the clinic is boasting a 99.9% cure rate!

* The FOOD, AMMO n' BABY Supplies STORE: Construction has been halted on the new store because of a strike by the local ut builders association. Dessloch and Missy are both outraged at this sudden bout of bad luck after building had been going very well. "We didn't even know they had a union" Missy was saying as she consoled Dessloch who has taken this very hard. "First, I lose Ares as a friend, then I get calls from psychiatrists from around the world saying I am insane after they looked at my plans for the store, then this happens! What else could go wrong?" Just then as if Dessloch had summoned it, a large cartoon anvil appeared over the store and fell, crushing what was already built! "BAD_LUCK(Ares), is on a killing Spree" suddenly bellowed out over the loud speaker. Unrelated? Who knows! Things are not looking good for the store. If anyone can lend a hand in helping build the store during the strike please contact Missy and DESSLOCH directly. (Pssst, we secretly think that Ares is behind this all...we are secretly keeping an eye on him....don't tell him)

* BOO SUED WUUt: The infamous Betty-Boo has successfully sued the WUUT. She hired Freddy a.k.a. Da Devastator as her lawyer and he kicked our combined a$$ets! Who knew that Freddy was also a lawyer! Oh well, We have a picture of the amount paid out in the settlement at this address http://homepage.mac.com/seigel/bettyboosettlement.jpg. Please send in your donations to help us rebuild our bank accounts after Da Devastating loss!


* The Staff at WUUT would like to welcome Zaphod to their team of dedicated and hardworking reporters! Zaphod was a long veteran of investigative reporting for the WUUT french competitor news source ZUUT Alors!, and briefly with the german, UT Achtung! He has already started working hard with us and has prepared his first Celebrity Interview!

* In this new section we profile top players on REH MRA to find out what they are like, what makes them tick, and how they do their daring feats of devastation. Please enjoy this weekly feature.

Zaphod's Interview with the top players
An interview of [THC]s3miotic:
Q. Why are you obsessed with all those jumps you make around the towers?

A. Well sometimes I happen to be alone on MRA, and since I can't beat
Clalan for the FPH record, me and Archon have been trying to discover
new jumps.

Q. So, you and Archon are friends then?
A. If we were friends he would definitely help me beat Clalan's FPH
record... so I wouldn't say we are friends. But he has a pretty creative

Q. What goals do you have for the future?
A. Jump around the third tower as well. Yes definitely.

Q. What is you favorite movie?
A. I have no idea!

Q. What is your favorite color?
A. I have no idea! Hmmm, babyblue.

* Interview Job: Filled.
* Dessloch and Missy's "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply" is looking for a short order cook, a dishwasher, and a diaper changer. Please attach your resumes to the end of this post, or send us some of the food that you have cooked!

UPDATES From LAST WEEK's Newsletter

* REH MRA Lost and Found: Thank you for returning our personal items! However, instead of returning the leather thong someone returned an EYE PATCH instead. I don't think that the person (who will remain nameless) who wears the thong would feel as comfortable wearing an eye patch down there, nor would the owner of the eye patch like to be wearing a thong over their eye. So if you recognize this eye patch (skin=SoldierSkins.RawS face=SoldierSkins.) please come back to the lost and found and exchange it for the leather thong.

* TOR2: Coming soon! Very soon! We here at WUUT are wondering when people are going to start to get intentionally banned from the servers so they won't have to get defeated in the tournament. I hear rumours that s3miotic is looking for ways to ban himself so he won't have to face the awesome power of Zaphod "the destructor" Beeblebrox, or cgul "the flapper" weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

* BOT TRAINING FACILITY:: Sadly, when our reporters went back this week to get an update on the bot training facility, there was nothing to be found except the smoldering remains of the buildings and coke machines that were there. This reporter is most upset because he was enjoying the increase in the abilities and skills of the bots. SpaceShrimp was unavailable for comment about what has happened here.

* ARES: Ares is still upset with Dessloch.


* Not too long ago (earlier this month), scientists found a meteor that could have levelled a city the size of montreal or atlanta! Fortunately it missed us. The scary part is that the scientists found the meteor AFTER (four days later) it had already passed by the earth at about 1.2 times the distance the moon is from the earth. This has renewed the call for better vigilance of the skies to watch for some of the planet killers that lurk around in our solar system.

That is all for this week.

(back issues available for a small fee, very small, insignificantly small, so small you would barely even notice.)

Submissions for the WEEKLY UPDATE maybe sent somewhere.
*** Disclaimer, most, if not all of this is a complete fabrication of a very strange mind, and now, possibly even more.