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 Post subject: Vol. 4
PostPosted: Thu Dec 25, 2003 11:25 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 01, 2003 10:01 pm
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This is the WEEKLY UPDATE vol. 4.

* FROM the EDITOR: Content lacking this week as we have used up many of our reporters getting you some of the big stories this week. We are recruiting more staff for next week's edition and hopefully that will improve the quality of the WU next week. Try to enjoy this week's issue.

* TOP STORY: OLD PEOPLE SUCK AT UT: In a highly scientific study undertaken by our own dP|BlUË_ÃnGëL, it was found that the older you are the worse you get at UT. We interviewed a couple of members of the notoriously old [cake] clan about this result and this is what they said: "Back in the day we had to walk uphill to and from school through 20m of snow in bare feet carrying our siblings on our backs, while having to shoot down noobs on REH MRA with only our slingshots and barehands to fight with." When asked about specific comments to the statements in dP|BlUË_ÃnGëL's report they responded, "Huh? speak up sonny! I have to take my geritol and my arthritis medication before I play! Oh about that dP|BlUË_ÃnGëL guy yeah he is a smart one but I can kick his a$$ with one of my false teeth tied behind my back!" This reporter feels that there is some truth in the report put out by dP|BlUË_ÃnGëL but we are still trying to find out what that might be.

* TOR2: The next tournament of rockets is coming up soon. People are getting excited about watching the amazing skills and techniques that the pros use! Last year the seating to watch the tournament was cramped and quite dangerous with 57 people were killed just from stray rockets and flying body parts. This year the organizers are building a larger granstand with rocket and body proof shielding for the safety of all spectators. They are looking to even get the young ones out to watch the competition as well! Catering will be provided by the great people at "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply." Get your tickets early as it still may sell out!

* DESSLOCH CAREER CHANGE Part II? Dessloch has been joined by Missy in operating the "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply" shop! Missy decided that it was a great career move to work along side of Dessloch part-time to raise a little more cash and perfect her cuilinary skills! Dessloch isn't going to retire quite yet as he doesn't know how well the "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply" shop is going to do. He wants to make sure it will be able to support the wife and kids well into the future. The two of them are currently working on what they are going to sell in their shop and what the menu is going to have on it. Later next week they are going to go over plans of where to build the shop and start building. They would also like to thank everyone for signing the petition to allow them to build. They got the go ahead to build! Stay tuned for the grand opening celebrations coming soon!

* BOTS IN TRAINING: Our reporters have been working hard to break into the training camp for the bots but haven't been able to get by the awesome security. SpaceShrimp has personally undertaken the long arduous process of developing and running the "Bot re-training facility" The need for this facility was made obvious with last weeks story of the poor attidude and skills of the bots. This boot camp for bots is rumoured to be a very involved, very tough, very scary place for our programmed bots utilizing somewhat illegal and painful practices. We know nothing for sure as security is extremely tight. One of our reporters approached the entrance to this facility with a hidden microphone and this is the transcript of what was heard. (the guards voices are of dp|hypersipher and dp|vale who two of the awesome collection of people hired to guard the facility) TRANSRIPT:
(reporter) uhhhh hello mr hypersiphoner.
(dp|hypersipher) Hello infidel. Begone or be crushed.
(reporter) uhhh okay. But what is going on in there?
(dp|Vale) Nothing of your concern.
(ares screaming) nooooo not the debugger! I don't have any bugs in my code....ahhhhhhhhhhh [voice cut off]
(reporter) errrr uhhhh what was that?
(dp|hypersipher arming his weapon) 3........2........1.......

At this point our reporter was turned into a stream of atoms that ran off the steps of the facilty, over the cliff, and joined the pool of atoms that was our last 15 reporters we sent. Luckily this time we thought we would put a microphone on the reporter. When another one of our reporters approached SpaceShrimp for comments on this facility he was atomized as well. AS YOUR DEDICATED source for news we will keep sending our reporters in, and we will not stop until we get you the full story!

* BETTY-BOO SCANDAL IS OVER!: Apparently the apple smell was just shampoo and not an elaborate plot to dethrone the top UT players! Her skills have gotten better by practicing! Like you folks, I have never heard of practicing improving anyone's skills.

JOBS SECTION:

* WUUT is still looking to hire a reporter to do interviews with some of the top players so that the noobs can get to know what they are really like. If you are interested in this position please contact cgul. Yes it is good practice for you writing and comedy skills!! Please....

* Dessloch and Missy's "Food, Ammo n' Baby Supply" is looking for a short order cook, a dishwasher, and and diaper changer. Please attach your resumes to the end of this post.

UPDATES From LAST WEEK's Newsletter

* With last week's bot attack on the WUUT offices we are a little shaken up and shocked that the bots would do such a thing. We are more taken aback that the bots could take the time from their busy schedule and organize to do suck a thing. Really, we didn't think that they had it in them. As a result Rockhard has increased their pay as long as they keep up the intelligence in their attacks. (editorial update: the bots still play very badly and therefore their pay has been dropped back to normal levels)

* REH MRA Lost and Found staff members want to thank everyone for helping clear out the lost and found. They would however like their own personal belonging back. If you accidently picked up their clothing and wallets and stuff please return them to the naked people behind the lost and found desk.

* NEW CLAN: http://www.weeeeeeee.com/ go visit. It now houses three most dangerous players in UT, uncrash, jake, and cgul (usually just a danger to themselves but have been known to hit on or two people with a rocket on occasion).

THIS IS FOR REAL SECTION

* This is a new section that talks about actual real things that have been happening in the world that happened to catch my attention

* Researchers have successfully made the first teleportation device! They have transported a light from one place to another by transmitting the properties of the light and creating an exact replica at the other location. Unfortunately the process requires the destruction of the original sample. Because of this, if ever we got to the point of transporting people there would be the ethical, moral, and spiritual questions of the soul etc... The transporter relies on quantum entanglement theory (don't ask me), have fun searching for iformation...

That is all for this week.

(back issues available for a small fee, very small, insignificantly small, so small you would barely even notice.)

Submissions for the WEEKLY UPDATE maybe sent somewhere.
*** Disclaimer, most, if not all of this is a complete fabrication of a very strange mind.


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